WEDNESDAY MAY 22ND AT 8PM

Nephew presents sketches about… little wet wads of tissue paper, normal intercourse, bongo kelp, sinful discretion, Rollercoaster Weekly, and celebrity parades.

With Bonafide!

Featuring a video by Muddleberry!

Come and stay forever!

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Tickets are now available for Nephew’s next UCB show.

Wednesday April 24th at 8PM

We are paired with our fwiends Bonafide.

Topics to be covered include: heritage, macaroni and cheese, blights upon God, when you pee but the pee is milk, floppy hat, broaster strudel, how many littles you can fit inside a Darth Vader suit, cleft knuckle, and washing till you bleed.

Follow us on Twitter if you must: @NephewSketch

HOW TO GET YOUR LIFE BACK IN ORDER IN 5 EASY WAYS

You. GARBAGE. Ha, no no, I kid. But does that voice sound familiar, perhaps, in your head? Because IT SHOULD. If things in your lot in life are, say, messy or, say, empty with meaning and purpose, then you have probably most definitely heard the words You. GARBAGE. in your head. Well, I am here to say that does not need to happen no more. Why? Because I have a plan for you to feel less “WAH!” and more “OH BABY MORE” in regards to LIFE AND THE INFINITY.

I have broken down these rules (sorry, rules sounds so cold, why don’t we call them DECREES FROM THE ARBITER, ME) into five of them, so, as you can see, much easier to follow then, say, oh, I don’t know, about ONE-HUNDRED THOUSAND. Could you imagine that many DECREES FROM THE ARBITER, ME? That’s too many, I believe. But five? Five is enough:

1. ADMIRE. What is wrong with you? Have you nothing to want or love that you can be made example of? Find that immediately! Take, for example, a baseball star. How do you think he became so good at throwing and, possibly even, hitting the sport ball? By being a number of things, most of which are qualities OUT OF YOUR REALM OF CAPABILITY. Therefore, ADMIRE these figures from a far (never talk to them). Compartmentalize what makes them so gosh darn admirable. And then…

2. GO THROUGH PANTRY AND THROW OUT EXPIRED FOOD OR MEDICINE. How could you forget to do this, you wasteful calf?! Enough admiring so-and-so’s you’ll never come close to mirroring in ability and looks! It’s time to CLEAN YOUR FILTHY. You are so sad. Forgetting simplest of tasks, the making sure of food and medicine do not go spoiled, or at least, are disposed of in proper receptacle! In tough times, you must PERSEVERE. Too out of whack to smell milk before drinking, or clean dirty bread before eating? Well, NO MORE. Make time for more scrubbing. Then, it is time for…

3. PETTING SOFT MATERIAL THAT CAN EMULATE THE SENSATION OF LIVING PET. Of course you do not own another mouth to feed because, oh, the shambles you are in! Who could live with you in your sensitive wussy state except parasites and vermin?! But, surely, you must own towel of some kind, yes? Perhaps paper? Real clothe will work better, but paper will do. Yes? Now, imagine this rag or old t-shirt as a thing that enjoys being touched, such as for example, someone’s hair? Anything that connects the sensitivity to a real and living thing. Done petting? STOP AT ONCE. Because your next challenge is to…

4. MENTALLY PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE INEVITABLE FLOUNDERING OF ONESELF, THAT THERE IS NO IDEAL, THE CHASE FOR THE BETTER CANNOT BE SUSTAINED BECAUSE IT IS PART OF THE NATURAL CYCLE TO FEEL RESTLESS AND EMPTY ALWAYS, CURSED WITH THE AWARENESS THAT WE ARE SO SMALL AND INSIGNIFICANT AND THAT WE WILL MEET OUR FINITE DEMISE THROUGH THE PASSING OF TIME, THAT THERE IS SUCH A THING AS TRUE NON-EXISTENCE, AND IT IS FRUITLESS TO TRY AND MAKE AN IMPACT WHEN IN REALITY IT DOES NOT MATTER! Following that you can…

5. CRY.